Went to the bathroom to get some tissues, went back, laid down. Thought of taking another pain killer, but then thought of that will mess me up more.
You know what’s scary? The scent. It’s a powerful thing. The scent will fire up all the neurons and synapses in your brain, somehow and in someway; and in less than a tik tok reminds you about this particular person, in a particular scene, a certain feeling. The scent of someone makes you think that he is there, right there, next to you, right now.
You know what is even scarier?
The scent can bring back all the memories, all the heartache, the questions without the answers, regrets, lonesome, days and nights, why you were there, why you left, what you said, and what he said.
And even scarier…
When the scent is no longer there. And you know, it’s gone. All is gone. He is gone. I am gone. No more.
Thought of taking another pain killer. . thought of getting some more tissues.
green laser lights pointing at different directions. I walked back to the table, cautioning on my steps to make sure I look totally fine and confident, when the truth is i could totally black out in any second. took a second to really figure out which table is which. I sat down, took a deep breath and a zip of water, put on a smile, and played my game. one of my favorites. people watching.
here in this table, 3 of the people, dressing in nice fancy suits. I will probly never, ever want to see in my life again. the rest of the people in the table trying every possible way to see these 3 guys again.
another zip of water. this is the master level of relationship. or i just call it fake.
okay right, i should not be mean and call it fake when i don’t even know what real relationship is.
I just need to feel something is real. i’d rather have a single second when i know this is real, rather than a billion moments, minutes, days and nights of putting on a smile when I don’t really feel happy or saying i’m fine when no no no, i’m not fine at all.
here is it, in the tiny fancy room, with smoke filled the place, dancing young figures, music buzzing loudly and annoyingly, people are trying to please one another, desperately making others feel good when they are not feeling the best. relationship like this, another zip of water, does not make sense to me.
or relationship of promises. it’s not true either. people just dream to see the promises to come true, and live in that dream. And promises are like dreams. They are not real lives.
out there, or back in the past, are relationships i would rather have.
a relationship when words are not said too much, but two people just know what the other feels. a farewell when he unwrapped his scarf to give it to her, trying to make this moment last.
a relationship when so much words are said in one night, because time doesn’t wait for us. a farewell when hugs lasted more than some seconds, kisses were exchanged, and the thought of seeing each other again, wondering what will happen tomorrow.
relationships like that were perfect. they are just like the classic films. perfection is rolled back and forth.
another zip of water. close my eyes. another zip of whatever drink is on the table. another zip of water. rolling back my film.
i need to start feeling real to know that i’m not just existing but i’m really living the life.
Went on a road trip with dad this weekend. A good 10 hours in a car listening to all the good old 60s-70s. I felt classier than ever.
spent the day with my bff in this coffee/cake shop listening to her yapping in the british accent. a lovely pleasure. i have no complain.
Alexander McQueen Spring 2012 Clutches. these are seriously to die for.
A steal crop top from Urban with $5. I have been rocking my Litas a lot lately.
does this remind you of something?
i was just standing there, feeling helpless. the only thing i wish was all her pain could be transferred into my body.
i avoided looking at it by walking around, looking at all the little things in the room, touching them, feeling them.
all of her belongings placed on the table, simply yet somehow delicately
and for a split second, i wish i wasn’t here… not because i am selfish. It’s because looking at all these, and knowing that this, or that, or her, can’t be here forever.. is too much to take.